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I also wondered what to do if he showed up at my cribagain.The romper was plastic lined and very noisy as she carried me out ofthe room. Underneath the top of the romper, she has put me in a pinkshirt adorned with little kittens. The sleeves to the shirt were shortand puffy. She had put my feet in pink lined ruffled socks and shinyblack Mary-Jane shoes. I felt so girlish.I was hungry and was very delighted when she carried me into thekitchen and put me in the large high chair. Before she went to get mybreakfast, she secured my wrist with straps attached to the seat of thechair, making sure I was helpless and needed to be fed.The food consisted of almost tasteless baby food, but I was so hungry,I took the spoons of food as fast as she fed them to me. Luckily, shehad put a large plastic bib on me, because things became a littlemessy. For some reason, my mouth seemed to be clumsy and I kept tryingto suck at the food as if I were sucking a bottle.While she fed me, I noticed for the first. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so terrifying about being myself. I was petrified about letting the dominant part of me out. What if they thought I was sick. What if they laughed. Worst of all, what if I hurt somebody? Jesus. That would destroy me.But I was stuck on the horns of a dilemma. I couldn't go back to how I was, that way led nowhere, so I could only go forward, but I didn't know how to make a first step.I was contemplating that when Anna called. I hadn't realized it'd gotten so late. I hadn't eaten anything or moved from the table where Jenny sat down hours ago. Anna's suggestion of take.
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